The Stylish: January 2010

I wasn’t planning on covering this because, well, it’s Australia and they do lots of stupid things like jailing people for cartoon porn and whatever. But it’s a big story for all the itty bitty lovers out there because, in an effort to curtail kiddy porn and simulated kiddy porn, the Aussie government imposed censorship restrictions on adult films with flat chested gals.

The proposed Australian Government clampdown on smut just got a whole lot broader, as news emerged of a ban on small breasts and female ejaculation in adult material.
The end result of this widening of the censor’s net could be the addition of millions of websites to the internet filter now being proposed.
Breasts came under the spotlight a year ago, as Senators Barnaby Joyce and Guy Barnett commenced a campaign against publicly available porn. Rounding up magazines from corner shops and filling stations, Senator Joyce claimed that publications featuring small-breasted women were encouraging paedophilia.
The result of this campaign is now visible in the decisions being made by the Australian Classification Board, which is beginning to apply RC (refused classification) categories to such material, as opposed to the previous X-rating. According to Fiona Patten, Convenor of the Australian Sex Party: “We are starting to see depictions of women in their late 20s being banned because they have an A cup size.
“It may be an unintended consequence of the Senator’s actions but they are largely responsible for the sharp increase in breast size in Australian adult magazines of late.”

Australia of course has been under scrutiny for its designs on filtering the Internet, including all adult content. Which is a pretty big human rights violation, unless you’re in China, in which case it’d be followed by high fives and someone playing that “doo doo doo doo doo DOO doo doo DOO” sound. Plus I’m personally not a fan of a flat chest anyway. I say force them all to get implants or ship them off to New Zealand. No time for you, Pirate Ship Plank Chest.

And yes, if you read that first line above closely enough, they did in fact also ban female ejaculation. Which, frankly, I’m okay with. I don’t want to get a blast from a girly firehose while I’m down there. Too many flashbacks to my traumatic childhood. And if that happend now, I wouldn’t even get a new Ninja Turtles toy afterwards. All I’m saying is that if you’re going to take advantage of me like I was in my childhood sailor suit, you should probably give me the new kicking action Michelangelo toy or something.

UPDATE: Another site is disputing the scope of this report, citing the Australian Classification Board’s response.

A spokesperson for the ACB told me today that publications which contain offensive depictions or descriptions of persons who are or appear to be persons under the age of 18 (whether they are engaged in sexual activity or not) must be classified RC. They said the Board classifies publications on a case by case basis, in accordance with the Guidelines for the Classification of Publications, the Code and the Classification Act and that the Publications Guidelines do not specify breast size.

That doesn’t particularly sound like a denial as much as it does someone saying “No, we’re not explicitly banning small boobs but we’re going to do it whenever we see fit,” but hey, you be the judge. Check out Crikey.com.au for more.